Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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