Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
