He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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