My liver just broke up with me...
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
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