turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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