Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
