The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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