i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
