They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
