don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
