I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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