There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Randomize
