wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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