On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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