I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
