I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
