Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
