I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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