By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
