remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
