I think scott just propositioned me for sex
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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