You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
