dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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