You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Randomize
