I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
