take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
the liver wants what the liver wants
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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