Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
