I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize
