i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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