I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
