I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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