Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
