Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
