i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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