Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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