Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
