Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
