She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
