I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You need a sexual gate keeper
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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