I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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