You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
We have started to decorate penises.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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