I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
