tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
