i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
