Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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