Moan for me like Helen Keller
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
