So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Vodka?
Forever.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
