my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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