I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
