You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Of course I have a pirate flag
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
